A perfect choice for the new Labour leader

Firstly I’d like to thank the Labour NEC for inviting our firm, Gramsci and Luxembourg, to present our findings about the perfect choice for new leader of the Labour Party. It is clear that, with the parliamentary party, the membership and the unions at loggerheads, there needs to be a radical approach, what we might have called a Third Way a few years ago, but of course won’t now.

Our initial findings on the current declared candidates show that, while all have their qualities, none of them fulfils both the two key qualities that are seen as essential;

1. United the party and avoid a split
2. Be electable.

In fact, to be perfectly honest, none of them fulfil either. Which is a little bit of a challenge.

So we sought to start again and try and bring together certain qualifications that might bring us, if not the ideal candidate, someone a little more ideal than the current choices. We have of course checked CVs for accuracy.

Broad Appeal. We need someone who can speak to the country, not just a small metropolitan elite, a bunch of student activists or a group of northern LGBT activists who are not put off by poor colour combinations. Labour has an issue in Scotland, where we have gone from unassailable league champions to third division also rans – a bit like Rangers but without the financial scandal. So we could do with someone who has appeal in Scotland, remembering that the three leaders before Ed were all Scottish (well that’s what Blair’s spin doctors said). Scots are also perceived as good with the economy, though clearly not with their own economy.

Reach out to minorities: Labour has traditionally spoken for the downtrodden, and in the absence of any message that resonates with the so called “working class”, this means minorities. Therefore we would like a candidate with a minority pedigree. With Sadiq running London – after a fashion – and Chukka sulking in his tent, we’re a little pushed for ethnic minorities. Our focus groups say that gay and lesbian is good – and the Tories must have had the same research (check with polling team) as they are encouraging all theirs out of the closet. It’s just Angela that comes across like she’s running a poorly performing self-help group.

Women: They’re now only their second female leader and we’re not yet onto our first – and don’t mention Harriet. Must do better!

Europe: Now I know that Mrs May’s STFU strategy on Europe working in her favour, but that was clearly to avoid the crossfire in the Tory party. With the new PM going for soft Brexit we need someone who might actually challenge her on Europe and have strong credentials here. Remember Scotland and London, where we could and should be winning, were both strongly pro Remain. There is an opportunity to put some clear blue water – or is that red water – between us and the other side.

Popular: Well that would be nice…

So in conclusion we see the new leader to give Labour progress momentum half a chance is a straight talking, Scottish, ethnic minority and/or LGBT, pro-Europe woman. Our exhaustive search has identified the ideal candidate: Ruth Davidson.
Yes we know she’s a Tory, but we’ve checked with Len McCluskey and its better than a Blairite.

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